To
everyone, you look so beautiful, radiant and full of laughter, the girl with the perfect relationship. They
tell you how good you two look together, how they wish to have a guy who would
treat them as well as [they think] you are being treated but they never notice
how you respond, that stiff smile that plays on your lips, and then the words
of appreciation that follow which sounds as though you are trying to convince
yourself that you are in the right relationship.
everyone, you look so beautiful, radiant and full of laughter, the girl with the perfect relationship. They
tell you how good you two look together, how they wish to have a guy who would
treat them as well as [they think] you are being treated but they never notice
how you respond, that stiff smile that plays on your lips, and then the words
of appreciation that follow which sounds as though you are trying to convince
yourself that you are in the right relationship.
If
only they knew…
only they knew…
If only they could see
the deep cuts your heart bears and the shattered self-esteem behind your smile.
How could you even begin to explain it to them? The last time you tried to talk
to someone, she told you it’s normal to have these kinds of issues. She said
you could be the one with the issue and advised you to go back and enjoy your
relationship. “As long as he doesn’t hit you, you are fine”, she said. She
forgot that you do not have to hit to hurt.
the deep cuts your heart bears and the shattered self-esteem behind your smile.
How could you even begin to explain it to them? The last time you tried to talk
to someone, she told you it’s normal to have these kinds of issues. She said
you could be the one with the issue and advised you to go back and enjoy your
relationship. “As long as he doesn’t hit you, you are fine”, she said. She
forgot that you do not have to hit to hurt.
No one ever walks into an
abusive relationship consciously. Emotional abuse may not be as obvious as physical
abuse but it is more insidious, just as damaging and a huge red flag that must
not be ignored. It is a lethal attack aimed at your very soul, the center of
your being where your abuser, the “love of your life” rips apart every atom of
your self-confidence and self-esteem not with sticks, stones or fists but with
words. The cycle of this abuse usually involves name calling, all sorts of
verbal abuse, constant criticism, emotional manipulation, threatening,
bullying, intimidation and other ways just to control and dominate your life. In most cases, the victim and the abuser may
not be fully aware of what is happening. However, some of the victims know
their situation yet they choose to let their love be blind, ignore the red
flags, make up excuses to the clear the doubt of anyone who tries to point out
the truth to them and sometimes go as far as picking up a beef with that
person. It’s easier to justify words than bruises however you are not doing
yourself any good. If you are not sure of what constitutes this damaging
behavior, I am going to try as much as I can to point out some signs of
emotional abuse. Please, be sincere to yourself this time as you read through
and make the right choice.
abusive relationship consciously. Emotional abuse may not be as obvious as physical
abuse but it is more insidious, just as damaging and a huge red flag that must
not be ignored. It is a lethal attack aimed at your very soul, the center of
your being where your abuser, the “love of your life” rips apart every atom of
your self-confidence and self-esteem not with sticks, stones or fists but with
words. The cycle of this abuse usually involves name calling, all sorts of
verbal abuse, constant criticism, emotional manipulation, threatening,
bullying, intimidation and other ways just to control and dominate your life. In most cases, the victim and the abuser may
not be fully aware of what is happening. However, some of the victims know
their situation yet they choose to let their love be blind, ignore the red
flags, make up excuses to the clear the doubt of anyone who tries to point out
the truth to them and sometimes go as far as picking up a beef with that
person. It’s easier to justify words than bruises however you are not doing
yourself any good. If you are not sure of what constitutes this damaging
behavior, I am going to try as much as I can to point out some signs of
emotional abuse. Please, be sincere to yourself this time as you read through
and make the right choice.
- He
never accepts responsibility for his actions rather he shifts the blame to you
and accuses you of being too sensitive. He brings up his past abusive
relationships thus making you feel sorry for him instead of addressing your own
hurt feeling. He makes reference to your ugly past. To him, he is always right
and you are always the dumb one who messes it all up.
- He
nitpicks your words and takes them out of context, accusing you of being disrespectful and insensitive. He does everything but accept his flaw and makes
sure that his bad behavior is never addressed.
- He
never really listens to you or understand anything you say as long as it does
not conform with his will. He tries to control your life and makes ill jokes
about your friends, picking offense whenever you try to defend them.
- He
belittles you and trivializes your dreams, hopes and accomplishments, trying to make it seem as though every success in your life is because of his ever-guiding presence in your life.
- He
never creates time for you and when you complain, he makes you feel as though you are at fault for that as well. You always feel like you have to pick your
words and actions carefully even though he talks and acts without considering
your feelings.
- Each
time you try to leave, he threatens to hurt you and if that does not seem to
work, he threatens to hurt himself. He makes up lies just to keep you tied to
him.
- He
gets jealous unnecessarily and when there is a misunderstanding, he picks you apart with aggressive questions until there is some kind of inconsistency in
your story due to nervousness and then he starts to call you a liar.
- He
uses sarcasm and mannerisms to talk down on you and humiliates you even in front of his friends. He constantly tries to make himself more important than
you, make you feel indebted to him and makes you feel less of yourself to the
point where you start to doubt your ability to be anything great or do anything
good.
I’d
like you to know this: Emotional abuse is not normal in any way. You need to
learn to stop giving yourself excuses and take action. God put you in control
of your life and not them. You are not who they say you are. You are who God
says you are; a Queen, worth more than rubies. There is nothing left for you
there apart from hurt, pain and shame. You need to get out of that place of
toxicity to heal. Let me tell you the ugly truth. He will not change. Jumping
into another relationship to get over him is the worst decision you will ever
make. You need time alone to heal. The only relationship you are permitted to
jump into after this is a relationship with God. Let Him heal you and teach you
to love again. It is a gradual process but until you choose to begin, you will
never really know what a real relationship should look like. Allow him to heal
you and lead you to the right person for you. I know this is not what you hear
everyday neither is it what you expected to read at the end of this but it is a
solution that never fails. You can heal. You will heal. It may not
feel like it when you first leave but you will heal. Just do it the right way.
Take a walk from that relationship before it ruins you.
like you to know this: Emotional abuse is not normal in any way. You need to
learn to stop giving yourself excuses and take action. God put you in control
of your life and not them. You are not who they say you are. You are who God
says you are; a Queen, worth more than rubies. There is nothing left for you
there apart from hurt, pain and shame. You need to get out of that place of
toxicity to heal. Let me tell you the ugly truth. He will not change. Jumping
into another relationship to get over him is the worst decision you will ever
make. You need time alone to heal. The only relationship you are permitted to
jump into after this is a relationship with God. Let Him heal you and teach you
to love again. It is a gradual process but until you choose to begin, you will
never really know what a real relationship should look like. Allow him to heal
you and lead you to the right person for you. I know this is not what you hear
everyday neither is it what you expected to read at the end of this but it is a
solution that never fails. You can heal. You will heal. It may not
feel like it when you first leave but you will heal. Just do it the right way.
Take a walk from that relationship before it ruins you.
P.S:
As far as being a victim goes, it can happen to anyone. Do not be too quick to
judge someone who is already a victim. If you know someone who is trapped in
this prison, please pray for them and encourage them till they find the courage
to leave that relationship and begin to heal.
As far as being a victim goes, it can happen to anyone. Do not be too quick to
judge someone who is already a victim. If you know someone who is trapped in
this prison, please pray for them and encourage them till they find the courage
to leave that relationship and begin to heal.
