9 Things Lagos Uber Drivers Will Tell You That Sound Like Jokes but Are Facts
If you’ve ever taken an Uber or Bolt ride in Lagos, then you already know: the journey is never just about going from Point A to B — it’s a full-on drama series, and your driver is always the lead actor. From wild excuses to legendary one-liners, Lagos e-hailing drivers have turned ride-sharing into street comedy. Eyes Of Lagos reports,
Here are 9 things Lagos Uber drivers say that sound like jokes — but sadly, they’re 100% real.
1. “AC no dey work, but breeze go blow.”
Ah yes — the classic bait and switch. You booked “Comfort” with AC, but what you got is open-window economy mode. Somehow, they still want 5 stars because “at least breeze dey blow.”
2. “Fuel too cost. Abeg reduce your destination.”
Nothing screams Lagos Uber like a driver asking you to edit your own trip because his tank is on red and “fuel don reach ₦1,200 per litre.” Oga, na ride you dey do or donation?
3. “Madam I no get change.”
Lagos drivers invented cashless bullying. You’ll pay ₦2,000 for a ₦1,300 ride, and suddenly it’s a national crisis to find ₦700 change. “Make I buy gala and pure water for you?” Oya na 🙄
4. “This app dey lie; your house far pass Wetin I see.”
No matter how accurate Google Maps is, your driver will always act like you teleported to Benin Republic. “But why your house bend like that?” Bros, na road we dey.
5. “I dey front gate. Abeg come outside.”
Translation: I’m still in traffic 3 streets away and I haven’t even made the U-turn. Why say the truth when you can lie with confidence?
6. “I go cancel if you no reach here in 2 minutes.”
This one hits different. You’re running down from the 3rd floor and the driver is hovering over the cancel button like Thanos. Just pray he has patience — or you’ll be paying ₦700 cancellation fee for no reason.
7. “You fit help me find fuel for that Total station?”
Your Bolt ride just turned into a fuel hunting mission. Now you’re holding jerry can and forming “Oando apprentice” because the driver refused to buy fuel before picking you.
8. “I no dey go that side at night. Wahala too much.”
You’re heading home, it’s 9PM, and your driver suddenly remembers his spiritual boundary stops at Obalende. Sir, what happened to “anywhere you go, I go”?
9. “Abeg rate me 5 stars, even though the trip rough small.”
After a ride that nearly gave you whiplash, no AC, missed turns, and prayer warrior FM on loudspeaker — your driver still wants a glowing review. Because, “na hustle we dey hustle.”
Final Thoughts
In Lagos, Uber and Bolt drivers are more than drivers — they’re storytellers, bargain kings, and sometimes… unintentional comedians. You may get delayed, frustrated, or overcharged — but you’ll always leave with a story.
If you’ve heard any of these lines (or worse), share your wildest Uber experience in the comments. And remember: next time your driver says “just small delay,” bring patience, water, and maybe a power bank — you might need it.